Goodbye smart speaker, hello smart motion display (goodbye private life)

Come here, I want to show you something. Take a good look. Go on, lean right in.

There. You don’t see one of those every day, eh? Let alone three. Just make sure you don’t tell anyone el…

What? You’ve just shared it with 693 apps, 1,350 advertisers and 17,000 API skills? Oh, now you suggest I should change my privacy settings. OK, I’ll do that. What? You’ve just informed 693 apps, 1,350 advertisers and 17,000 API skills that I’ve changed my privacy settings? Stop waving your T&Cs in my face otherwise I’ll wave these in yours; yes, I do mean all three.

Those who used to read my pre-Covid weekly rant over on The Register for the last eight years will be aware of my aversion to ‘privacy-rogering’… sorry I mean ‘home surveillance’… sorry again, I mean ‘smart home’ devices. I’m not an Internet of Things Luddite, mind: smart home devices are just dandy in other people’s homes. I just don’t trust them in mine.

The problem is that it doesn’t seem to make any difference whether I want them in my home or not, big business will find a way to sneak one in anyway. Just imagine if the original Luddites had to deal with IoT instead of looms: as soon as they’d smashed up all the emotion-sensing lightbulbs, autonomous vacuum cleaners and app-controlled central heating systems ("I switched on my radiators in Barnsley while I was still in Bangkok!") before scarpering out the house, they’d trip over a multitude of replacement units delivered by an IoT Subscription Drone already waiting on the doorstep.

Or on someone else’s doorstep, of course. To date, no-one’s invented a delivery system smart enough to recognise a house number or ring a doorbell.

Among the most pernicious of home IoT devices in recent years has been the smart speaker. All my friends and colleagues think they are fantastic and cannot understand my reluctance to have a digital Stasi agent with the mental age of an attention-seeking two-year-old constantly butt into your conversation. Here’s a typical example of a chit-chat with a colleague during a Zoom or Google Meet:

The smart set have already moved on from smart speakers to smart displays. And this week, Amazon unveiled its latest, the Echo Show 10 – a home spy that turns to keep looking at you as you move around the room. Or shower.

I’m in two minds about the new Echo. Obviously I am appalled, horrified etc at the idea of paying £240 up front to have my privacy ravaged so clinically. My home should be a sanctuary, not a concourse. On the other hand, I really like the idea of having a little TV screen, a video call or baking recipes turn to face me as I flit around the kitchen.

I especially like that it’s small, rather than the size of a wall, as they were predicted to be in sci-fi classics such as Fahrenheit 451 and THX 1138. And it’s a long way from Gerty, Sam Rockwell’s clunky smart display/valet in Moon, even if the Echo Show 10 doesn’t yet give haircuts.

IoT developers, take note: if you want your smart assistant to sound really creepy, get it voiced by Kevin Spacey.

When I say "I like the idea" of the motion-enabled smart display, it’s rather like the way I like the idea of Lego or Playmobil. That is, they still look fun but I’m afraid I’ve grown up. Besides, how would you feel if every time you stacked two Lego bricks on top of each other, this action was logged into the cloud, along with brick size, colour and orientation? Then you get bombarded with prompts inviting you to purchase more yellow bricks because you obviously like yellow bricks and logically will want even more yellow bricks.

If someone fancies inventing a gadget that rotates a recipe book around to face me without a camera watching me scratch my balls while I roll out the pastry, that would be great.

"Then just don’t buy one, idiot," I hear you say. Unfortunately, as I hinted with my clumsy Luddite comparison, we won’t have that choice. As soon as we’ve dodged one, another will weedle its way into the house somehow.

For example, you already know I would not think of buying an Echo or Google Assistant or any such product – yet there is one in my house. How did it get there? Easy: my internet service provider snuck it into my living room.

It was supposed to be a surround-sound speaker and media player with built-in storage that plugs into my telly; all part of the contract, thank you very much. It was only when I noticed a light come on on top and a ‘bing-bong’ noise whenever anyone spoke near it that I thought to consult the online manual. Sure enough, it has a smart speaker assistant built in and enabled by default, listening to my every fucking word, cough and fart.

A couple of months later, the unit auto-ran a firmware update and announced that my internet contract now included Amazon Prime Movies. Oh, and it has re-enabled the smart speaker assistant and now both it and Alexa are listening in to my bottom burps.

Besides, I’m royally sick of media companies "adding value" to their core services by chucking in a Prime or Netflix account. I now have free Prime and Netflix accounts with my TV, additional Prime and Netflix accounts courtesy of my mobile phone operator, and yet more with various other subscription services I happen to have running.

I’d rather have a discount but no. And, as Jeff Wayne presciently sang, still they come. I’m expecting Tesco to include Prime with every second bunch of bananas purchased from the fruit aisle and the local council to start offering Netflix with my weekly bin collection.

Please be aware that Echo Show 10’s moving display and camera is just the start. Wait until you see the Ring Always Home Cam.

It won’t just turn to stare at you as you step aside to do up your zip during a management conference call. This gadget incorporates a camera drone that takes off and chases you around the house. Upstairs, downstairs, in my lady’s chamber; in the bath, the bedroom, the bog. Soon, nowhere will be safe.

Yup, that’s what I was thinking: "You’re watching too much, pal. You need to get laid."

ALISTAIR DABBS is a freelance technology tart, juggling tech journalism, training and digital publishing. He would like it to be known that he washes his hands thoroughly in accordance to government and scientific guidelines each time he feels the need to relieve an itch during the rolling out of pastry. Stay safe, everyone.